Hey everyone, I hope you’re all well and good and having a good week!

Today I am going to talk to you about something that happened to me the other day which actually led to me not going to group that day.

So.. on Monday the 13^th November I made my way to the bus stop, like I would usually do on a Monday, so I can get to group. Well 5 minutes had passed no bus.. after waiting half an hour the bus turns up. I could see from just looking at the bus that it was busy but I still got on.. I soon realised this was a big mistake! The bus was absolutely heaving, this meant lots of people needed to stand as there wasn’t any seat available. We were packed like sardines and I was starting to panic. Even though the bus was completely packed this didn’t stop the bus driver from letting people on and for me the panicking only got worse. My stomach was going ten to the dozen and I am pretty sure we were over the capacity with the amount of people on the bus.

We got to the Sixth Form College the next town over and then a seat became available. By this point I was trying to calm myself down, I was trying to put into practice some of the grounding techniques I had learnt at group over the last month but it just wasn’t happening. I tried texting my partner to distract myself, it helped a little but not as much as I needed it to. At one of the next stops, I managed to get myself towards the back of the bus where I could see everything going on around me. We then set off again only to be met by a problem on the road this meant continuously stopping and starting again, this just stressed me out especially because we were already running behind and I needed to be in the city for 10am.

By this point my stomach was making me feel really unwell. I text my partner letting her know that I would be getting off at the next stop and getting another bus to come home, I just couldn’t cope with it anymore. I have a fear of being sick and I knew I needed to get off this bus and that’s exactly what I did. I messaged the group leader to say I wouldn’t be able to make it and they said they would ring me later on in the day to check in on me and see how I was. This eased my mind a little bit and I went into the local shop to get a drink because my mouth was so dry, I hate that feeling. The bus to take me home arrived and I jumped straight on, however we ended up having to go a different way because of a problem on one of the roads. A broken down new electric car was that cause according to the bus driver. As you can imagine my anxiety shot straight back up because I just wanted to get home as soon as possible.

Did I do the right thing and get off the bus?

After speaking to the facilitator and my partner I decided that yes, I did do the right thing and get off the bus. I recognised the problem and dealt with it in a way I knew how to, so after everything I am going to take away a little victory from that day! I beat my anxiety when it was trying to cripple me, I won. I must remember that I won.

I am in a group chat with all of the people I go to group with, they started sending lots of different pictures in the chat for me which made me chuckle. I was really grateful for that.

Now my message to you all is that mental health and mental illness is a funny old thing, it can sneak up on you and try and beat you down but you have to keep fighting it. You will win. You have to go through the darkness first before you can get into the light.

I hope you all have a great week and remember to take time for yourself, self-care is important.