Hey everyone.
It’s been a while, due to my grandma being unwell and then passing away, bless her. I also made a mistake with my website; it hasn’t been live for a couple weeks, but thanks to a friend it’s back up and running, so that’s all good.
Whoever said grieving for a family member was easy needs to get their head examined. My gran became ill again last year and never made it out of her hospital stay. I’m not going to lie: when my grandma’s health got worse, I didn’t want to go and see her. I had some really good visits with her where we were laughing and joking, but I couldn’t deal with when she got worse.
Me and my grandma were close and she was one of my biggest supporters in doing these blogs, my podcasts and the talks I do about my mental health journey. When I first had my relapse, I don’t think she quite understood my mental health, but over the last five years she did try to understand and always made sure that I wasn’t low and wasn’t struggling. She always offered a sympathetic ear.
My grandma would always get me to update her ipad for her, because she wouldn’t charge it overnight in case it went up in flames. Then she would press the wrong buttons and somehow expect me to know how to fix it – ha ha! I would just turn the ipad off or just keep hitting the home button to try and fix it. As people I know will tell you, I’m not very technically minded.
During the summer before she went to hospital, her water feature in the back garden that kept running out of water. Every time I went round, I filled it up for her.
I’m still struggling. I can’t bring myself to look at text messages we’ve sent each other, just like I can’t bear to delete her number. This might seem silly, but I don’t think I’m ready. Her funeral was two days before my birthday and my cousin Becky and sister Abby did a speech, then they played a video she’d made and that broke me. My sis is a little shit for that.
I want to say a big thank you to my partner, because if I didn’t have her, I dread to think where I would be now since all this has happened.
I’ve also thanked my aunty Sharon and grandad for organising the funeral, and for leaving the curtains open in the crematorium so that we could say our last goodbye.
Thanks for reading this blog. I intend to be back on a more regular basis now, so thank you for the support. I wish you all good mental health and have a cracking week ahead.
John
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