A little about me

Hey everyone this is my first blog so I’m going to tell you about myself and I would like to share my story on living with mental health.

I’m going to start at the beginning.  When I was younger I felt different to everyone else, I also felt like I didn’t understand the simple things at school or even with friends. This started to put a lot of pressure on me, or should i say i put a lot of pressure on myself, and it lead me to self harm and Suicide attempts.  The earliest I remember trying to end it all, was 12, where I smashed some glass and was holding it to my neck.  My mother managed to talk me round and get me back to a level of a calmness.  I then started to do it with a carrier bag over my head, and was found by the local constabulary.  I  had tried several times, and my mother  tried getting me the help i needed, but we kept getting passed from pillow to post.  I got put into a service to see a  counsellor and I felt passed from pillow to post again as I never had a a counsellor for long.

I turned 15 and I was still  in the service of the mental health. I felt I was getting somewhere, as I had this particular  counsellor for a while,  I wasn’t trying to kill myself anymore or self harm.   Well that soon came to an end,  as my counsellor and been offered a new job which he took,  so I was going to be seen by someone else again which started me to doubt everything all over again.

Going to jump now to 2006 where things where bad again, and I was trying anything possible to end my life.   It seemed no one wanted to help me apart from my family. An incident happened and the police got involved.   They got me a mental health assessment from my GP, I was then referred to the mental health team, and I started to think i was going to get somewhere.   I got a diagnosis, and was told I had a mild form of schizophrenia. My mother and I were told  this about a month later. I was then arrested for affray as my mental health was still quite bad.  When you get arrested you get asked if you have any mental health issues, so I told the them what we had been told. So I got taken to my cell and about half hour later, a policeman came to the cell and said ‘what you told us about  your mental health is wrong, the doctor said you haven’t  got schizophrenia ,’  I told them to get in touch with my mum and she will back me up, even though it was her who had got me arrested.   The police  came back to me and said that she had confirmed what i had said so they thought i needed to get sorted.  This is what i had been trying to do most of my life.

Then through  2015-2017,  I started seeing images of me cutting my fingers off, and I started hearing voices which  was scary to say the least. Lets skip ahead to recent  years. So 2017 I found out that I was actually diagnosed in 2006 with personality disorder which no one  had told me i had.  I started looking in to it, and  I could relate to what people were saying.   December of 2017 my Mental health took a dive, and the doctor just put me on antidepressants, which didn’t help. In January 2018 the images got ten times worse.  I saw me stabbing some one in the chest then slitting there throat.  This absolutely scared the living daylights out of me. My partner was great she got me an out of hours doctors appointment that day, and we attended.  When the doctor Called me through, I saw him and said to my partner,  ‘this isn’t going to end well’,  as it  was a doctor that made me feel like a idiot when I was younger when I was struggling through my earlier battles.  My partner did all the talking, and the doctor turned out to be brilliant,  and I felt like I had been listened to. That started the ball rolling and getting the help I needed, and get to the place i am now.

I’m still under the mental health team at the moment as I still have issue but I’m in much better place then I ever been so there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Hope you enjoyed reading this and if you have any comments or feedback, please leave a comment and I will try my best to answer you.

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